


Feel It?

by Aohn



Series: Tentastic! [2]
Category: K-pop, Pentagon (Korean Band)
Genre: Back Hugs, But he's not naïve, Consensual Underage Sex, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hongmom, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Kino is really going through it y’all, Kissing, Leader Hui, Literal Sleeping Together, Loneliness, Lots of Crying, Love Confessions, M/M, OTtears, Romantic Friendship, Shy Hyojong, Shy Yan An, Skinship, Yan An is so innocent, cursing, its WooYu, ot10 - Freeform, self-confidence issues, showering together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-10-14 11:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10535190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aohn/pseuds/Aohn
Summary: It's only a couple of weeks into Pentagon Maker when the ten trainees are faced with the harsh reality that some of them may not be able to earn their spot in the group. In order for Pentagon to debut as ten members, they each need to keep their eyes on the prize, rather than on one another.They're getting too attached to each other, and with everyone's dream on the line, Hui thinks it's time to address the unspoken bonds between them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to write Yan An with limited lines to reflect that Korean isn't his first language, but I'm not sure how successful that was. Pentagon Maker gives me so many feelings that I had to stop watching after a few episodes because I'm a crybaby. I'm a Monsta X stan, and No.Mercy was pretty brutal but I watched it as I was still getting to know MX, so it wasn't as difficult to view. Pentagon Maker, on the other hand, is killing me because I already love PTG and even though I know they all debuted in the end I can't stand to see them ranked and I'm too scared to watch the episodes when members were actually cut TT. Anyways, I wondered how hard it would be for them to be boyfriends in that setting and this is where my mind went!

It's Hui who stops them from crossing the line, one night, just after they receive their rankings for the week. They are all together in their dorm. Wooseok and Jinho are in the kitchen consoling Yuto who received last place this week. Hyojong, Hyunggu and Shinwon are tucked onto the small sofa together, limbs intertwined and speaking gently. Hongseok and Changgu sit at their feet, the younger clutching one of Hongseok's hands in his own as if it will make the pain in his chest disappear.

Yan An watches everyone silently from his bedroom doorway, feeling small and useless all the while. How are they already falling apart? Those who ranked low are embarrassed and hurting, those who ranked average feel like they're lacking, and those who ranked high can't enjoy it properly because they feel guilty. Yan An thinks no matter where he ranks, he will always feel guilty as long as numbers keep being assigned to them.

Yuto's quiet sobs fill the dorm now, no matter how much the Japanese man tries to keep them in. Yan An can't take this. He needs a moment away from... all of this.

He can't leave the dorm and even if he could, it would draw too much attention to himself. He ducks into the bathroom instead, only to realize someone's already had the same idea.

Hui.

Their leader sits in the corner where the tub meets the wall, his legs sprawled out haphazardly. His head rests against the wall at an odd angle, and his expression is unlike Yan An has ever seen him.

The blonde cracks his eyes open as Yan An steps into the room fully. He sinks to the floor beside Hui and pulls the older man into his arms so that they sit back-to-chest, Yan An's long legs bracketing Hui's. His hyung sighs, relaxing into the embrace.

"We're not even halfway through this yet," Hwitaek chokes out. "No one has even been eliminated yet, and it's already torture. Why does it have to be like this?"

Yan An doesn't answer. Yan An doesn't have any answers, only more questions, like what are they going to do if someone _does_ get eliminated? But he keeps that to himself.

"Whatever happens, we'll get through it, hyung. Even if..." he can't bring himself to finish that sentence. "No matter what, we'll all end up okay. We're brothers. So don't worry so much, okay?"

"Yan An, all I do is worry. I'm supposed to be your leader. If any of us don't get to debut then that's on me! The ten of us are supposed to debut together." Hui pauses, and twists his torso slightly to make eye contact with Yan An. "It wouldn't be so hard if we didn't have this... this _thing_ between us all."

Hui looks up at Yan An with pleading eyes. "You feel it too, right?"

Yan An's eyes meet Hui's and _yeah_ , he thinks, _I definitely feel it._

"Of course I do," Yan An says breathlessly. He reaches up to cradle Hwitaek's cheek in his palm. "For all of you."

Hwitaek's eyes curl up in that beautiful way they do when he smiles, but they are also tearful.

"So do the other hyungs. We've talked about it before, just a little. And it's even more obvious with some of the younger ones, like Wooseok and Yuto, or you and Changgu."

When Yan An blushes from head to toe, Hui notices his redness and laces his fingers into the ones that caressed his face a moment before.

"Don't be shy, it's not a bad thing. It's just plain to see how much you care about each other. I think most of us have feelings for one another that go past friendship."

Yan An is surprised. The hyungs have _talked_ about this, and that makes it even more real. It's the first time Yan An has ever actually confessed romantic feelings to someone, and he's certainly never dated anyone before. He has always been too busy with school and training to act on any feelings he had in the past.

Things are different now that he has the other trainees though, especially with Changgu whose bright smile and sweet personality constantly affects Yan An. They spend so much time together that the others call them inseparable. He quite likes the idea of being beside Changgu forever.

Even though he and Changgu have a special bond, the other 8 members each have their own charms that have captured Yan An's heart.

There's Hui's eyes and the way he looks out for the members, Jinho's constant state of unintentional aegyo, Hongseok's nurturing tendencies, Hyojong's humility and his playfulness, Shinwon's passionate and emotional nature, and those were just his hyungs! He can't count the times the maknaes have given him butterflies on any given day, they are all three so lovable and charming. It has been increasingly difficult to hide his romantic feelings for the other boys the longer they train with one another, but it's getting harder now with every week Pentagon Maker progresses.

Hwitaek, who is staring down at their entwined hands, sighs before continuing, "But we're not guaranteed to debut together. I can't imagine losing any of you from Pentagon. It would be hard enough to lose someone as it is but to start something _more_ even though there's a chance we might be separated in the end would just be cruel.

"Everyone knows how close Hyojong and I are, but Yan Annie, we're already together," Hwitaek confesses. It's not a big surprise to hear, but it is the first time the younger boy has heard one of HuiDawn speak so concretely about their relationship.

"I really love him and I know he feels the same, but we also talk a lot about the rest of you. How close we are. What things could be like for all of us if we just let it happen. But it's so fucking hard already just knowing that the two of us might not debut together that it's impossible to even entertain the idea of having a relationship like that with others right now."

Yan An sees true fear painted on Hwitaek's face. Briefly, he imagines himself being cut from Pentagon Maker, left to continue his training while the others go on to debut. Hui is right. It would be crushing enough just to get cut, or see another member cut. How could they survive that if they all acted upon their feelings, crossed the line between brotherhood and friendship into something more intimate? It was a recipe for disaster.

"We have to make sure that doesn't happen, Hyung," the youngest fixes the blonde's eyes on his own. "We all need to put this aside until Pentagon debuts. Then we can decide what to do about it. It would be foolish to get closer to anyone that way, when we have to focus on debuting together."

"Our only focus should be on debuting together," Hwitaek nods in agreement, then scrubs his hands over his face tiredly before moving to stand.

He helps Yan An up and their eyes meet again. They stand mere inches apart, Yan An nearly a head taller than Hui, who looks up at the foreigner with tired eyes. Their hands are still clasped together from Hwitaek helping him up.

The leader opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again. He silently berates himself, eyes clenched, and when he sighs and looks back at Yan An, he's ready to do his job.

"It's time we all sit down and have a talk."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hwitaek gathers the courage to express his fears to the group, but unfortunately things don't go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who commented! Feel free to point out any mistakes or unclear wording, sometimes I worry I'm not making any sense!
> 
> Anyways, this chapter might hit you in the feels more than the last one, but you know, Pentagon Maker sends me to a dark place...

Hwitaek wishes he could put this off a little longer, but their relationships are already beginning to change so rapidly that he's afraid to wait even another day. All ten of them are feeling particularly vulnerable right now, and Hui doesn't think it would take much for some of the members to act on impulse. He can't force the members not to get involved with one another but he can do his best to convince them not to make them selves more vulnerable right now.

The most frustrating part is that Hui can see the beauty in what they have together, but he can't afford to think about it in that way when his debut is on the line. Not just his debut, but their goal of a ten member Pentagon is in jeopardy as well.

Knowing the reality of their harsh situation doesn't make putting his true feelings aside any easier, especially when he literally spends every day with the members and their bonds have become even closer in the last couple of weeks. The barriers between them have been diminishing faster than Hui expected, to be honest, and with them go the doubts he had about some of the members' feelings toward him. He doesn't have the confidence to say concretely that they all return his feelings in same way. He knows how Dawn, Jinho and Hongseok feel because they've all put it in words. Yan An, the boy who's spent the least amount of time training with the rest of them, has even acknowledged the romantic connotations of their friendship. And the rest- Hui loves each one of the members, wholly and fiercely. If some of the others don't return his feelings romantically, Hwitaek can live with that as long as he has their friendship.

But to (potentially) lose members from the group would be like losing a part of himself. Right now he has to be their leader first and their friend second. Maybe one day, after this is all over, he can become something more than that for the others. First he has to do everything in his power to keep them together.

He and Yan An leave the bathroom hand-in-hand. The Chinese boy's long soft fingers wrapped around Hui's have a calming effect, something that the blonde is increasingly grateful for. They emerge from the hallway and into the front room where most of the trainees remain gathered around the couch. Hui needs to pull Hyojong aside for a moment, but he also needs to get Jinho, Yuto, and Wooseok from the kitchen.

"Yan Annie?" He speaks softly, "Can you check on them and see if they're ready to meet in the living room with everyone else? I've gotta talk to Dawnie real quick."

The black haired boy smiles his signature sweet smile, then nods and head to the kitchen. Hui politely extricates Hyojong from Shinwon and Hyunggu's tangle of limbs on the sofa and pulls his boyfriend into his room.

Dawn's got tired eyes and a dead expression when they take a seat on Hui's bed. It's been a long day  
of training and filming and finding out their rankings, and it's started to show. Hwitaek grasps his lover's hands in his, and he feels at home. Where Yan An's touch offered comfort, Hyojong offers Hui grounding.

"How are you holding up, Dawnie?"

His mouth scrunches in response before settling into something akin to a smile, but even then it's his eyes that tell Hui he's not okay. "I was in the bottom again, but honestly I expected that, you know?"

The words make Hwitaek's stomach drop. Hyojong is special and beautiful and insanely talented. He views himself in a very cynical way though, as if he's always preparing himself for others' criticism.

"Sweetheart, come here," Hui pulls Hyojong into his arms and strokes his hair. The younger boy breathes into Hui's neck.

"Everything's gonna be okay. We're going to have each other no matter what. Ranks aside and even Pentagon aside, we'll be together. I promise you that. And I promise to do everything I can to make sure we all debut together too, okay?"

Hyojong droops into the embrace while Hui continues to tell him how special he is, how much he loves him, and how he's gonna take care of everything. He means every word he says.

When Dawn's breathing evens out, Hui kisses his splotchy, tear-stained face all over from his forehead to cheeks to lips until the other man is smiling at him.

"There he is!" Hui jokes, poking the tip of his index finger into one of Hyojong's dimples. The younger boy jokingly snaps his teeth at Hui's finger then laughs harder at his boyfriend's shocked reaction as he draws his hand out of reach from Dawn's little teeth.

Hui pulls him close again and meets his eyes. "I think it's time we all talked about what's going on between the members. It's hard for everyone with the show going on, and it's only gonna get harder if the members start forming closer relationships. I want to talk to everyone and I don't want to keep us a secret anymore."

Hyojong raises his eyebrows but doesn't interrupt. He's the best at listening, which no one ever expects from his quirky personality.

"I don't want the others to think I'm being a hypocrite," Hwitaek continues, "So I think it's best to let them know that we made this decision knowing all the risks. I don't have a problem with dating between the members, obviously, but I don't want them to jump into anything in the heat of the moment without thinking about the consequences. Everyone should focus on training and completing their pentagrams so they can debut."

"And what about us?" Hyojong runs a hand through his hair, and his blonde locks fall promptly back down to frame his face. Hui thinks he's beautiful, even with puffy red eyes and a flushed face.

"I don't want anything to change between us. But what we're feeling every single time we're threatened to be cut is worse because we're in a relationship. I don't want anyone else to feel like this when it's hard enough just as friends. We're already falling apart here, and I have to do my best to stop it, Dawnie."

"Okay," Hyojong plays with Hui's hands. "I get you. That's what we talked about before with Jinho-hyung and Hongseok-hyung. It's probably better to keep things simple right now."

"And you don't mind me telling everyone about us?" Hui has to ask again.

Hyojong's lips curve upwards into a smirk. "I don't think anyone's gonna be surprised, Hui. But it will be nice not to have to hold back when we're here in the dorm." Hyojong tilts his head toward the door, "Are we doing this now?"

Hui hums. "I think it's best. Everyone's emotions are amped up right now, especially from seeing Yuto break down like that."

Hyojong swallows thickly at the reminder, sighs, then stands. Hui follows him out the door. Instinctively, their hands join again, and the contact lifts weight from the leader's shoulders. Whatever happens, Hyojong will remain by his side.

Once they're all settled into the living room, configured in clusters on the couch and in the floor, Hui isn't sure exactly how to start. He's respected as their group's leader but because they're still trainees, he hasn't had to lead any serious discussions. He doesn't want to come off like a tyrant, but he has to voice his concerns and unfortunately the mood in the room is already somber to begin with. But nine sets of exhausted eyes are on him now, and he can't stall any longer.

"I have something important I need to ask of you," Hui grimaces slightly, and the more he talks the more his nerves are triggered. "But first, I need to let you guys know that Hyojong and I are together. We're a couple."

He looks at Dawn who gives him a toothy smile and rubs his thumbs where he's holding in of Hui's hands in his.

There are mixed expressions amongst the other members. Jinho and Hongseok are all smiles, but some of the younger boys seem slightly shocked. Shinwon, for his part, scoffs and crosses his arms, totally unimpressed with the leader's confession.

"Is that what this big get-together is for? You two are all over each other a hundred percent of the time, Hyung. We all know you're dating."

For all the eye rolling the visual is doing, there's a smiling playing on his lips, and it loosens the knot in Hui's stomach.

Changgu, who still looks a little stunned where he sits, practically in Hongseok's lap, pipes up, "I never thought they'd admit it though!"

Hyojong laughs at the younger boy's honesty, then presses a kiss to Hui's cheek which provokes some cackling and coos. Hui thinks it's mostly because he already looks embarrassed, and the other boys love to fluster their leader, but he doesn't mind because the feeling of embarrassment is overpowered by the relief he feels at their positive reactions. The atmosphere in the room has shifted from somber to something lighthearted and hopeful, and he hopes he doesn't ruin the mood too much when he gets to the real topic of this group meeting.

"Thanks for the encouraging words," Hui drawls, glancing at Shinwon and Changgu both. "But that's not the main reason I wanted us to talk."

Everyone settles down again, smiles softening into inquisitiveness and even concern. Yan An, who's got his lanky arms wrapped around Hongseok and Changgu, gives Hui an encouraging smile, and an inconspicuous thumbs-up when he pauses to gather his courage.

"Some of you might have noticed that all ten of us are getting closer to one another, and sometimes that closeness borders on something that's more than just friendship. It seems like... Besides Dawn and I, there could be some other relationships forming."

Hui can't bear to make eye contact with anyone, but he's definitely not the only one who's suddenly shy. Half the room is looking elsewhere, and it's gone dead silent. Wooseok is stiff as a board where he sits on the sofa huddled around Yuto and Jinho. Kino sits up straight on the loveseat, taking his weight away from where he was leaning on Shinwon. Even Hyojong, who already knew Hui was going to put things out in the open, dons the hood of his white pullover and drops his head, hiding his face behind wavy blonde locks.

"I love how comfortable we are with one another, and I love how well we work together. I love how we all rely on each other and push each other to be our best. And I... I really-"

Hui's mouth is dry and his palms are sweaty no his heart is beating so damn fast, but he just has to say it-

"I have to ask you not to act on any feelings you might have for another member until after we debut."

As he looks around that the other members, he realizes that only half of them are even reacting. The four eldest members and Yan An all knew this was coming, but the others look a little blindsided. Hyunggu and Wooseok look conflicted, Yuto is already on the verge of crying again, and Shinwon looks downright mad. Changgu just looks across Hongseok to stare at Yan An.

"What the hell, Hui-hyung?" Shinwon erupts. "How could you even ask us to do that when you just admitted that you and Hyojong-hyung are together?"

"Yah, watch it Shinwonnie," Jinho tries to warn the younger boy, but he's just not having it.

"No, I'm serious. Why shouldn't we be able to have a relationship with another member when you two get to drool all over each other all the time? Just because you're the leader doesn't mean you get to break the same rules you're trying to enforce!"

Hui expected this, he did, but to actually hear the accusation from one of his members _hurts_. He loves Shinwon- he loves them all so damn much, and knowing that Shinwon thinks Hui is capable of abusing his power as leader is a harsh reality.

"I'm not trying to enforce anything, Shinwon-ah," Hui's tone is pleading. He can't afford to be misunderstood about something so sensitive to all of them. "I'm just _asking_ , and I'm asking because I know from experience how hard it is. We're fighting to debut as ten, right? But the reality is that it might not happen. There's no guarantee that we're all debuting together but even knowing that, I see us as a team already, as a complete group. And if any one of us wasn't able to debut then it wouldn't just mean that I failed you guys as a leader, it would mean I failed the people I love the most. I love you, Shinwon, and that's why I'm asking. Because it's already so painful to imagine losing any one, but it's even harder to cope with that possibility when you're not just losing a friend or a crush, but a partner."

Hui's voice quivers as he speaks, and the fire in Shinwon's eyes is extinguished by the sight of his leader in tears.

"Me and Dawnie-" Hwitaek's voice cracks on the nickname, and his boyfriend wraps an arm around his waist, "We've been close for a long time but we put a lot of thought into what actually dating would be like. We always knew that we might not debut together, but we still took the risk because we know it's worth the added pain to be together. But now it's so close to us actually debuting in the same group and it's... If we get separated now, I don't know how to-"

Hyojong tries to pull Hui closer when his boyfriend begins to shudder, but Hui gently pushes him away to scrub the tears from his face. The leader tries to at least cry quietly, but the day has him wrung out and raw, and he can't control the hiccups the come along with his tears.

Hwitaek doesn't cry often, and in the group he's typically the last person to be outwardly emotional. For the other members, seeing their leader so obviously struggling with himself is gut-wrenching. Yuto's been in a poor state most of the night, so it doesn't take much to bring him back to tears. Wooseok does his best to sooth the Japanese boy, petting dark hair with long fingers and offering softly spoken _you're staying right here, with me, with us, don't worry_...

Hongseok sits up against the sofa with Changgu's face buried into his neck and Yan An's long arms wrapped around them both. Jinho's staring up at the dull white ceiling, trying to blink away the tears that threaten to fall. Shinwon's face is puffy and reddened from wiping his own tears, and he's pulled himself even further away from Hyunggu who just stares down at his hands.

Hwitaek sees the effect his words have on the other members and he feels a thousand times worse than he's felt all night.

"I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_ ," he chokes out, his voice gnarled by the lump in his throat. "I don't want you guys to feel like this. I don't want it to be like this, but it is. I want to protect you from feeling even worse than this. We have to accept the fact that any of us could be cut, and we have to focus on doing our best so we can debut together as ten. It has to be ten. It has to."

He stops, he has to stop. He focuses on regulating his breathing, focuses on the warmth of Hyojong's calloused hands on his own, and soon enough he's regained clarity. It takes the others a few minutes before they've put themselves and each other back together. Hui feels like he's just been run over by a train and dragged all the members with him. But isn't this better than the alternative?

"Like I said," Hui finishes once everything has calmed down a bit, "I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, but we shouldn't make things harder on ourselves by starting those kinds of relationships until after debut. We need to put all of our thoughts into training right now."

"Hyung," Changgu calls softly before he can say anything else. His face is guarded, and his eyes glance away from Hui more than once as he speaks. "I'm sorry, but you keep saying 'we' shouldn't do anything when you and hyung are already dating. You said you knew the risks and decided to be together anyway. What if-" Changgu's attention turns to Yan An for the briefest moment- "some of us are willing to take that risk?"

Hui doesn't get a chance to answer because Yan An beats him to the punch.

"Right now it's not worth the risk," the Chinese boy meets his best friend's eyes. The two are frozen in place, everyone is. Hui's mouth is still parted from the words he meant to say. Changgu searches Yan An's stoic face as he waits for his friend to amend his previous words, but when it becomes clear that Yan An isn't going to budge, the boy's face just _crumbles_.

Changgu wrenches himself from Yan An and Hongseok's hold, and springs up to standing. He almost trips over Hyojong's leg in his haste to leave the living room.

"Maybe it's just me who's not worth the risk," he throws over his shoulder before disappearing into his room.

The sound of the door slamming sounds thunderous in the otherwise silent dorm, and there's a pregnant pause before Hongseok gently disentangles himself from Yan An and heads into Changgu's room to comfort him. Yan An stares at the bedroom door, slack-jawed to for a few long seconds before he draws his long legs up to his chest and buries his head into his knees. Hyojong looks up at Hwitaek from behind his bangs with an expression that reads clear as day, "What the hell do we do now?"

Hui really wishes he knew.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mention it in the earlier chapters but because I really wanted them to share one dorm, I've basically combined A and B dorms with one shared kitchen and living room area, but the roommates are still the same. Just to clarify. :)

The next morning is tense and too quiet for Hyunggu's liking. Yuto won't make eye contact with anyone and when Hyunggu greets him _good morning_ , smiling and trailing fingertips over Yuto's wrist, the tall boy shies away from the contact. The reaction hurts, but Yuto has been through a lot in the last day, so Hyunggu tries not to dwell. The Japanese boy even more sensitive than the rest right now, but he probably just needs a little bit of time to come around.

Shinwon still seems agitated, if not angry about Hui's request last night, because he skulks around all morning and chews his breakfast with much more force than he needs. The other boys seem a bit down as well and Jinho and Hongseok do their best to run interference, distracting the other members from approaching Yuto, and keeping Yan An and Changgu as far apart as they can be in their cramped dorm. Well, they mostly keep Yan An from making his way to Changgu who's clearly stewing about last night's perceived rejection, so much that Hyunggu and Yan An ended up swapping rooms for the night.

Hyunggu gets it. He feels the burden of loving them when indulging in his feelings could put everything they've worked for in jeopardy. Yet he can't help but love them. He can't help the instinct to crawl into Shinwon's bunk to cuddle and smell the flowery scent of the visual's shampoo when he's feeling down. He can't help teasing Wooseok for being slightly older than him, knowing Yuto will come and claim superiority over both of them, and they'll retaliate by teaming up on the eldest maknae to exploit his extreme ticklish-ness. Even the thought of joking around with the other two makes Hyunggu inherently giddy. It makes him forget, even for a second, that loving them feels dangerous.

Hyunggu thinks it must be hard for Hui, knowing that he just amplified this fear for the rest of the members. Even though everything Hwitaek said was true and he didn't exactly demand anything from the members, there's a part of Hyunggu that's pissed at his hyung for so acutely pointing out his fears. Hui might have had good intentions, but he shouldn't have asked this of them, not trusting each member to make his own choice.

Changgu was right. If Hui and Dawnie could get together even knowing the risks, why shouldn't the rest of them? It wasn't fair of him to ask, knowing how much the members respect him as the leader. He should have known that no matter how he worded it, Hyunggu, at the very least, would obey his request. How could he refuse when Hui looked at them like that, practically begged them not to get any closer to one another? He just shouldn't have ever asked, damn it.

The problem is that for most of them, "not getting closer" is interpreted by creating distance from one another. Conversations don't feel natural or open like they used to, and there's very little skinship going on, besides Hyojong and Wooseok who no one ever denies. And even that hurts, in it's own way. Yuto will hardly touch Hyunggu, but he's constantly got a lap full of their giant maknae. It's infuriating, and it hurts, but Hyunggu tries not to let his jealousy fester. Instead, he takes Hwitaek's words to heart and throws himself into training harder. Once they debut, this distance, the inhibitions, the shameful feeling he gets when he seeks physical comfort from his members only to be pushed away almost every time- It will all go away once they debut.

Because he's already considered the best dancer, Hyunggu needs to focus on training his vocals. He doesn't want to be pigeonholed as only the "dancer" of the group when he knows he has the ability to be appreciated as a great singer as well. He does his best to spend his individual training time working on strengthening his voice, but Yan An, Hongseok, and Changgu desperately need pentagram points for dancing, so a lot of that time is spent running impromptu practices with them and trying to ignore the longing looks his hyungs keep giving each other. It's been days since "the talk" and Yan Anie and Changgu's falling out, and it seems like Hongseok is fed up with running interference between them so Hyunggu is left trying to run practice with three people who won't speak a word to one another unless it's related to work. He has a hard time feeling sorry for any of them when he gives up his gives up his own practice time to run dance practice for them, and because his hyungs aren't focused he has to give the same corrections over and over again, but he stays patient and encouraging, only to get back to the dorm at the end of the night and be rejected by all three of them.

A couple of rough days turns into six, and still no one's _talking_ and no one will even give him a damn hug unless they're being filmed, and then it's only a mockery of the closeness they used to share. Even Dawn and Wooseok don't indulge him because they're always occupied by Hui and Yuto, respectively, and it feels like his last lifeline has been cut.

He's losing more sleep than normal, staying late with Jinho and Hui at the company to practice singing and spend some time away from the dorm. Things aren't as awkward around Hui now, because the initial anger he felt has subsided, and he knows the older man couldn't have predicted that the members would become so cold to one another. Hui does his best to act normal, and even the act has become a comfort when he's been starved of warm interaction.

Tonight, Jinho gives him a little comfort as well, offering genuine smiles in lieu of casual touch, and even showers him with praise when he finally nails the note he's been struggling with. When the three finally decide to call it a night, he and Jinho head toward the exit while Hwitaek makes a quick trip to the locker room to grab his things.

While they wait, the eldest tugs him into a hug, rests his forehead on Hyunggu's shoulder and noses at the neckline of his t-shirt. Startled but grateful for this bit of normalcy, Hyunggu's hands rise to wrap around his hyung's shoulders, and he feels the built-up tension from the last six days ease up. It doesn't fade completely, but it's a welcome reprieve, and it's more than he expected to get any time soon.

"You did so well this week, Hyunggu," Jinho's voice lilts, like honey to his ears. "I see how hard you're working yourself. You need rest."

He knows he needs rest, but there's no comfort in sleep when spending a few more hours in the practice rooms could be the difference between staying a trainee and making his dream a reality. Between staying with Pentagon or watching from the sidelines. And there's no comfort in going back to the dorm when he has to tiptoe around his best friends all the time.

"This is all I have right now. What's waiting for me at home, hyung?" His voice is steely, but his eyes tell a different story. Luckily, Jinho can't see his eyes from where he's got his face buried into Hyunggu's bare neck, shaking his head.

"Don't say that. You still have us. You have me."

Hyunggu opens his mouth but his words get caught in his throat and he has to swallow a couple of times before he can say, "It doesn't feel like us anymore. It feels more like we're all just coworkers now, not friends."

Jinho leans away just enough to be able to read his expression, but he turns his head away, towards the door. There are still cars passing down the busy street, even at this hour.

"Hyunggu, look at me," Jinho cradles one of his hands around the back of his neck, recapturing his attention. The elder's lips are pursed and his brows furrowed, and the familiar sight of Jinho's "concerned face" quickly gets him to drop the facade of being okay. He let's Jinho get a good look at him, tired, watery eyes and all, and he's sure he must look as haggard as he feels inside.

"Hyunggu-ya," Jinho practically whispers. "Don't cry, please? You're overworked and there's a lot going on, but things will go back to normal soon. Everyone is feeling at odds with themselves right now, and it doesn't change the fact that we all love you, okay?"

Hyunggu scoffs. "It doesn't feel like it. None of this feels right. I don't get why everyone's pushing _everyone_ else away. Just because they can't have a boyfriend means they have to shut the rest of us out? It doesn't make sense. I don't get why everyone keeps shutting _me_ out. What's the point in that?"

Jinho's concern morphs into surprise by the time he finishes his last sentence, but before Hyunggu can ask what's got him so worked up, Hui is there, clearing his throat to announce his presence. It's obvious from his flushed cheeks and general awkwardness that he's overheard some of what Hyunggu's said.

He and Jinho back away from each other, suddenly reminded that they're still embracing, but Hwitaek is quick to wave them off. The blonde comes closer and Jinho shuffles his feet, a bit nervous. It's not like they've committed a crime, but they still react like they've been caught doing something they shouldn't, even for something as simple as a hug. But before the implications of that dawn on Hyunggu, Hui starts talking.

"You guys don't have to, like, separate..." he scratches his neck, clearly uncomfortable. "I wish things were back to normal too. It's kind of gotten out of hand."

"That's one way to put it," Jinho sighs.

"But Hyunggu?" Hui reaches for him, head tilted and eyes glossy in the dim lighting, and even though a part of Hyunggu wants to, he can't resist falling into the man's arms. Hui runs his hands up and down the younger boy's back as he says, "I'm sorry," over and over. Between the stream of apologies, he presses kisses into his dongsaeng's hair, holding the younger boy tightly.

The remnants of the dancer's anger fades as Hui holds him, pets him, whispers apologies, and then Jinho's at his back and he's got both of his hyungs holding him and it's _heaven_.

"It's okay," he tells Hui, voice trembling. "You didn't mean for this to happen. I know that, I promise."

"And you know that we still love you?" Hui asks into his hair.

"I know," he whispers back. "It's just hard to remember sometimes when no one gives me the time of day anymore. Not even you or Hyojong-hyung which is stupid because you're already together. What's the point in avoiding the rest of us?"

Hui hesitates, fingers frozen where they're splayed against Hyunggu's ribs, and even Jinho seems to have gone stiff, and the silence holds long enough that he starts panicking inside.

What if his hyungs had broken up or were taking a break until they debuted? _They didn't say anything like that the other night though..._

"Me and Dawnie aren't really _like_ that," Hui interrupts Hyunggu's thoughts. He jerks his head up at Hui, but before he gets the chance to ask what happened between them, Hwitaek is already explaining, "No- I mean, we're still together, but... we're not exclusive like that."

Hui meets the teen's gaze shyly. "We have feelings for other people."

"But you're in love?" Hyunggu says, unable to say much else because his mind is racing.

"We're in love with each other, but we're also in love with other people," Hui clarifies while avoiding meeting his eyes.

Flabbergasted, Hyunggu tries to swallow and speak simultaneously which ends up making him choke on his own spit. Jinho pats his back as he coughs several times, trying to clear his throat. Hui rubs at his sides in a soothing rhythm until Hyunggu's coughing fit is over.

"Need water?" The blonde asks, warmly, but even through his concern, Hyunggu can see that Hui's anxious over his reaction.

He shakes his head. "I'm fine, I'm just... a bit surprised, hyung."

His hyung looks nervous as he awaits Hyunggu's next words, and Jinho moves for behind him to stand beside Hui. He grabs one of the taller boy's hands as a silent show of support, then they both turn their attention back to the youngest.

"You knew about them?" Hyunggu asks Jinho, who confirms with a nod. His hyungs look so serious, hand in hand, staring at him like his opinion could make or break them, which doesn't really make any sense to Hyunggu... until it finally does.

"When you say you have feelings for other people," Hyunggu's heart pounds as he pieces together their situation, "does that include Jinho hyung?"

Hui nods, stealing a glance at his hyung beside him.

"Does that- Does that also include me?"

"Yes," Hui breathes shakily, "It does."

"And Hyojong-hyung knows?"

Jinho responds. "Hui, Hyojong and I all feel the same way, Hyunggu. We love you. We love the other members as well. And that's why we tried to take a step back from you. Even if you don't feel the same, we thought it would be better this way, but I think we're starting to realize what a big mistake we made."

"It wasn't your mistake, hyung, it was mine," Hwitaek claims, but Jinho shakes his head vigorously.

"I'm the hyung, and I should have been the one to speak up for everyone else." He touches Hyunggu's forearm, needing the boy to understand, "But, at the time, I agreed with Hwitaek's idea. Things might be much more difficult if members kept acknowledging feelings or even start dating, so I thought it was a good move."

Hyunggu looks down at where Jinho's hand meets his arm, expression blank. He's angry again, but also confused and his heart is still pounding, and his hyungs are still looking at him and expecting some sort of response to their _love confession_. He has no idea what he's supposed to say. His hyungs are some of his best friends, they're like older brothers to him, and he loves them, fuck, he adores them. He knows they both have an effect on him that pushes the boundaries of brotherhood or friendship, and so do each of the members in their own right, but isn't that normal being is such close quarters all the time? He's attracted to the members, but how can he not be when they're all so special and talented and beautiful? It can't be helped. But even with the nearly tangible connection the ten of them share, Hyunggu has never once thought of actually dating another member, especially not multiple members! That was-

He doesn't know what to say to Jinho and Hui, who are still waiting for some sort of reaction besides him nearly coughing up a lung. There're waiting for words, and he has none to offer them, not now, while his head is swimming with the facts he's just learned along with the hopefulness and skepticism warring inside of him.

"Let's go home," he tells them, turning away before he has the chance to see their faces fall in disappointment.

The three make it all the way home in silence.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before Rankings, Hui is still at the studio with Jinho and Hyunggu's, and Hyojong can't fall asleep alone when he's stressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's excited for Ceremony?! The first teaser has me so hyped, plus all the fan cams from Tentastic Vol.2. It's gonna be a great comeback!
> 
> It's been a while since the last update, but now there's finally a chapter with no tears! ^_^

Hongseok feels warm. Much too warm, considering his penchant for sleeping shirtless. He cracks his eyes open, and it's still dark. His alarm hasn't gone off yet, so it must still be very early.

There's a pale, thickly muscled arm wrapped around his waist and a firm chest pressed to his back. Hyojong.

Hongseok trails fingertips along the soft skin of his roommate's forearm, and the blonde boy stirs immediately at the barely there touch, seemingly awake even at this hour. “Bad dreams?" he whispers into the darkness.

"Couldn't fall asleep," Hyojong mumbles.

Hongseok sighs, pulls the rapper's arm to hold him tighter. Breath tickles his nape, and the sensation is a growing familiarity which helps him to notice that the shallow, breaths kissing his skin feel too measured to be natural. "Hyojongie, relax."

For just a moment the suggestion has the opposite effect and Hongseok can feel the younger man tense up, but it doesn't last. Hyojong just as quickly relaxes and buries his nose into Hongseok's neck, and the two stay like that for a few minutes.

For all the time they spend alone together, which is more than they spend alone with anyone else considering they're roommates, the majority of it is spent in relative silence. They're both good with people, but they can also be very introverted. They make for great roommates because at the end of a long day of training and filming and being surrounded by other people, it's nice to have some peace and quiet. In the hour or so they have to themselves every night before they sleep, Hyojong writes or composes on his laptop or sketches on whatever scrap of paper he's got lying around, and Hongseok mostly listens to music with his headphones on while he reads or watches Hyojong do his thing. Sometimes they study together. The rapper's English is getting better under Hongseok's influence, though they don’t practice it much. They both still kind of suck at Japanese, but still, Hongseok doesn't think many things can compare to the way Hyojong sounds speaking that particular language (except maybe Yuto speaking it).

There's something about Dawn that magnetises Hongseok to him. The look in his eyes as he works, like he's in another world. The way his tongue darts out of his tiny mouth as he struggles with his work. The din of his voice as he mumbles lyrics in progress, his hair wild and uncombed. All of it endears him to Hongseok that much more. From the time Hongseok came to Cube, he and Hyojong have gotten along, but becoming roommates allowed their casual camaraderie to evolve into something deeper. In a dorm full of close friends, the brilliant boy has become one of his _best_ friends.

Hongseok feels the thick arm wrapped around him, traces his fingers up the veiny forearm to where Hyojong's right hand has splayed itself against his chest, and entwines their fingers.

Some nights are like this. They're rare now, because most nights Hyojong hangs out in their room but goes to sleep with Hui across the hall. But this week, everyone has been on edge and keeping their distance, including HuiDawn. Hongseok doesn't think it's necessary when the two are already an item, but then, they’re likely doing it as a courtesy to the rest of the members. As a result, Dawnie has slept in his own bed five nights in a row, making a record streak since they've had these room arrangements.

"I shouldn't have tried to sleep alone tonight," Hyojong admits, and Hongseok is facing away from the other man and his eyes are closed but he can just picture the dead look Hyojong probably has right now and he wants nothing more than to wipe it away.

But the threat of tomorrow is real and unstoppable, and even though the likelihood of someone being eliminated from the Pentagon Maker project so early in the show is low, the staff has made it clear that no one is safe, not even their leader, not even Jinho and Hongseok and Changgu who all have the makings of lead vocals and have all been in the top of the rankings repeatedly. No one is safe, and vague threats from the staff like "if you continue to score low in the rankings" or "if you don't start getting points now" literally keep Hyojong up at night.

"You're always welcome to sleep down here," Hongseok assures him. "Doesn't matter what's going on, you can always come to me if you need to. You're one of my best friends, and that's not changing, even if we have to be apart eventually."

Hyojong makes a sound of great displeasure at that.

"I don't want to be apart," he declares, voice rising above a whisper, "and I know I agreed to this, but I didn’t think all this shit would get so fucking weird. We're all practically already living separate already. Why are we wasting the time we could be together when we might not have time later? I hate it. I really hate it hyung. This was all a stupid fucking idea."

As Hyojong's voice begins to thicken, Hongseok rolls to face him.

"Hey, hey. Breathe, Jongie," he urges, and smoothes his thumbs over the angry wrinkles of Hyojong's forehead. The touch seems to calm him, at least for a moment. "It wasn't a bad idea to start with. You and me and Hui-hyung and Jinho-hyung, we've been doing this dance for a while now, right? And it was so awkward at first between us. We could hardly look one another in the eye the day after the four of us talked about everything that first time, remember?"

Hyojong nods, but he still looks ready to either cry or scream, and Hongseok is not letting either of those things happen on his watch.

"We were awkward until we weren't. After a couple of days it got less embarrassing and our friendships didn't suffer in the end at all, and it might be taking a little longer this time around but it’ll get better. And please don't torture yourself by staying away from Hui, no one wants you to do that, okay? C'mere."

He tugs Hyojong into a hug and tucks the smaller man's head underneath his chin. "We'll fix this. No more keeping our distance just for the sake of it. If we go back to acting normal, the others will follow our lead and pretty soon we really will be normal again."

The rapper looks up at Hongseok, a little stunned. "You're so smart, hyung-ah."

The tiniest bit of laughter escapes Hongseok's lips at the stunned look on Dawn's face, and then the pale boy can't help but chuckle along when Hongseok playfully boasts, "I am literally the smartest person in this house."

"Yah, Hongseok-ah," drawls Hyojong, "Wearing glasses doesn't make you any smarter!"

As the blonde lazily smirks, Hongseok appreciates the sharp curve of Hyojong's jawline, the way his little teeth peek out behind thin, pink lips. His eyes have adjusted to the darkness of the room, so much so that he can even make out the other's eyes, which are rimmed red with sleepiness and unshed tears. His hair is an utter mess, and he still looks a little sad despite the laughter, but _oh my god_ , Hongseok thinks, _he’s so pretty_. Distracted as he is, he has just enough time to take note of how close their faces have gotten before Hyojong is pressing that tiny mouth of his against Hongseok's. Hyojong begins to pull away, but Hongseok chases his mouth, pressing kiss after kiss to those soft lips. He's waited for this, dreamt about it even, and he doesn't want chastened kisses, he wants to make it last. This multitude of kisses is their first, and it's special, and Hongseok really, really wants it to last because he's not one hundred percent sure what happens after this.

All too soon they part, but they stay close pressed, gasping for air against one another’s lips. Hongseok is certain the other man can feel his heart pounding in his chest as he watches Hyojong catch his breath, then lick over his own kiss-plumped lips. Hongseok doesn't know what to say, so he just stares, breathless. Hyojong seems hesitant to speak as well, and his eyes keep flitting down to Hongseok's lips distractedly.

"We probably shouldn't have done that," Hongseok whispers halfheartedly.

"I'm glad we did."

"Me too." Hongseok captures his friend's lips again before he admits, "I've really, _really_ wanted to kiss you ever since that night, but we were waiting- or we _are_ waiting, or whatever-"

"We _were_ waiting, but I'm done, Hyung. I want you back. As my friend mostly, but I also want to kiss you and sleep next to you and call you mine. I had to- With Hui..." The way Hyojong tucks his chin shyly is rare. He's always so open and vulnerable in his own way, even as they train, but once they're back in the dorm he's rarely shy around the members. He's especially never shy in the privacy of their own room, but the complexity of their relationships is still a bit awkward to discuss.

"It's okay. You can talk to me about you and him." Hyojong nods at the words, lazily lifts his hand to thumb over Hongseok's lush bottom lip, blinks in fascination when his hyung pouts those lips into a kiss against his thumb before speaking against the digit. "Tell me."

Dawn moves his hand from Hongseok's mouth to his arm, absentmindedly picking at the hem of his t-shirt sleeve. "Back when Hui and I met, I knew so fast that I wanted to be with him 'cuz he didn't always understand me but he never tried to change me. That was something I never had before in a relationship. I wasn't gonna ignore what we had, even if it wasn't allowed. We had a lot of worries back then, but we chose to put each other first. It was a big risk. It still is, ‘cuz even though we all joke about it, if the company ever found out we were really together we’d be out in a heartbeat, but to be with him even if it’s only here in the dorm, it’s worth it. I know the stakes are higher now since Pentagon is almost at the point of debut, and with the way it's going now I might not debut with you guys-"

"Don't say-"

"No, Hyung, I'm just saying... If I don't debut with you, will it change us? We weren't really close until we started rooming together. One day if you're out promoting and traveling and I'm still here training, or worse, would you still want me then?"

"Yes," Hongseok says without hesitation, voice thick, and he clutches Dawn's wrist to stop his wandering fingers and get his full attention. "I fell for you in this room, yeah, but I care about you outside of it too, Hyojong. I always care about you. Even if we can't debut together, we can make it work."

Hyojong smiles at him, nice and slow, and his cute little teeth are out in full force and Hongseok can't help but smile back at him. "If that's true, then I'm done waiting."

And then Dawn's kissing him again, but without the hesitation there was before. The pale boy licks into Hongseok's mouth so he parts his lips, and their tongues brush together. Kissing Hyojong like this is almost overwhelmingly good. His scent fills Hongseok's nose, sweet and masculine, and the way he takes control of the kiss makes Hongseok melt a little.

As good as this feels, as much as he wants to do it all night, Hongseok remembers that night has already bled into morning and they will have to get up in just a couple of hours. He pulls back to give them some space to breathe.

"We should get some sleep, Hyojong. You need a little, at least, or you'll be dead on your feet all day."

The blonde hums in agreement, but it's cut off by a big yawn, and the timing of it makes them both giggle. Dawn adjusts himself to lying half-atop the singer, with his head resting on Hongseok’s shoulder and an arm and a leg swung over his body for maximum skinship.

“Fucking missed you, Hyung,” Hyojong mumbles, and the rasp of his voice reminds Hongseok that the boy hasn't gotten a wink of sleep tonight, and the rapper is going to have a long day ahead of him, especially if he’s running on no sleep. 

“I'm right here,” he promises, "and when we wake up, I'll be by your side. Everything will be better in the morning."

Hyojong, clinging to the last bits of wakefulness, says, "Things are already better, Hyung."

And Hongseok thinks he's right.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly apologize for the long wait. I had a lot of trouble being motivated to write about Yan An while he was injured, it just felt weird? And then he came back so I started writing again but I had to reorganize chapters and it was a big headache getting everything in order storyline wise.
> 
> This chapter is a bit short but don't worry there's another one coming tomorrow!! As always, please let me know if you spot any mistakes I didn't catch before posting, and thank you for reading!
> 
> P.S. The Demo_1 teasers took years off of my life. 10 VISUALS WOW.

Changgu's phone alarm blares at 6:30 AM. It's set on the loudest volume, along with a rapid-fire vibration pattern. He keeps his phone tucked right beneath his pillow because he's been known to sleep through alarms since they began training as a group. He sits up in his bunk as soon as the sound blares and carefully steps down his ladder. He's quick to pick out some of his nicer practice clothes from the closet, conscious of filming and receiving the ranking results today, and then he heads toward the bathroom without sparing the Chinese boy in the bottom bunk a glance.

He had a quick rinse off when they got home last night, but that was just to get the sticky sweat from rehearsal off his body so he needs a proper shower now. As good as it feels to stand under the spray of hot water, feeling his tense muscles relax bit by bit, he showers quickly to be fair to the others. There are three bathrooms but only two have showers and they're split between 5 boys each, which can sometimes make for a hectic morning even though they mostly shower at night after training. 

He used to be able to take his time. Up until last week, if one of them was already showering, it wasn't odd for someone else to jump in and wash up as well. But with the mood in the house lately, no one has dared to share a shower, even as platonic as they have always been.

After following his morning skincare regimen and getting dressed, he heads back to the room. Yan An isn't there anymore, probably already eating breakfast with the others, and Changgu huffs in frustration as he grabs his rehearsal bag.

Changgu feels he has every right to avoid his best friend after the boy rejected him, but their first couple of interactions after "the talk" left them both feeling more hurt since neither would budge in their thinking. Since their last attempt to talk things out, Yan An has started avoiding him right back. It's completely hypocritical, but the fact that the Yan An is ignoring him hurts. He would almost prefer to argue with the other rather than not speak to him at all, and living and training together without actually interacting with the other boy leaves him feeling bereft at the end of the day.

Hongseok did his best to comfort him the first few days, but Changgu had pushed him away once he realized Hongseok mostly agreed with Yan An's reasoning. The other boys are keeping to themselves as well, so now it feels like he's got no one. He wants them back, and most of all he wants Yan An back, but he knows their friendship can't just go back to the way it was. Changgu admitted his feelings and Yan An .

The guilt and anger he feels towards Yan An war with one another, and it keeps Changgu from focusing as he trains. During his voice lesson, he keeps forgetting the lyrics to a song he's been working on for days, and even after the vocal coach tells him to pull up the lyrics on his phone, he struggles follow the melody. His coach must be distracted himself because he lets Changgu off the hook with just a light scolding instead of the harsh criticism he knows he deserves.

Dance class is stressful for Changgu on a good day (which he hasn't had in over a week). It's difficult enough for him to remember steps and execute them properly without having an angsty inner monologue, so today he's sloppy and slow. After he gets called out three separate times for making mistakes, their dance teacher recruits Hyunggu to take him aside while the other boys continue learning the choreography. It's a blow to his already dwindling ego, and to top it all off, his donsaeng is not letting anything slide today.

"Changgu-hyung, I've told you twice already, you're stepping out on the wrong foot and you need to keep your knees bent until count three!"

The maknae's voice has grown more irate with every correction he's had to give, and Changgu's getting upset as well.

"Sorry," he huffs forcefully, then uses the inner collar of his loose-fitting t-shirt to wipe away the sweat pooling at his hairline. "I'm trying, Hyunggu."

" _Are you?_ " the boy retorts, eyebrows and mouth set in an angry frown, "Because it feels like I'm talking to myself over here. If you're not gonna fix your mistakes then what am I doing with you when I should be learning with everyone else?"

"Ya! Kang Hyunggu!" Hyojong, who's standing nearest to them but still clear across the large dance room, shouts.

Everyone's eyes snap to the blonde rapper, including the dance instructor who's gone wide eyed from both of his student's outbursts. Hyojong ingores the excess attention and heads toward Changgu and Hyunggu.

"Don't forget who you're talking to. He's your hyung, and he's your friend," the usually laid back boy scolds. "Whatever's been eating the two of you all day, work it out on your own time, but your yelling is interrupting everyone else's lesson, you got me?"

Hyunggu looks regretful, especially since this scolding is coming from the least likely person to chastise someone else, but beneath the surface he still seems agitated.

"I'm sorry," he utters and bows deeply to their teacher and the other trainees before turning to Changgu. "I'm sorry, hyung. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"Its alright, Hyunggu, just don't do it again," Changgu offers sulkily. This is mostly his own fault anyway for bringing the younger male to that level of frustration. "Let's forget about it for now and keep working. I really need your help and I promise work harder from here on out, okay?"

Things go relatively smoothly after Hyunggu's outburst, partially because Changgu realizes how unfair he's being to the younger who's doing his best to help him improve. He's finally able to force Yan An out of his mind and focus on Kino's instructions.

After practice they have an hour for lunch before they split up between vocals or rap training and filming their individual segments for the week, so he corners Hyunggu and asks if they can eat somewhere private and talk.

"I know I wasn't doing my best in there earlier," he admits between bites. "This whole thing with Yan An is kind of on my mind all the time... But I shouldn't let it affect me during practice, especially when you had to do extra work and teach me old steps, so I'm sorry about everything."

The younger boy's lips twist into a frown. "Don't be. I shouldn't have been mad in the first place. I don't mind helping you, or anyone if they need it, but I was already in a bad mood so I snapped at you."

Changgu nods, feeling much better about the situation between them, but he must still seem distracted because Hyunggu asks him, "Do you want to talk about it?"

He doesn't, partially because he knows talking about it will only cause him more pain to talk about the rift between him and Yan An. Another part of him thinks Hyunggu will give him the same advice Hongseok did (after all his attempts at mediation failed), which was for Changgu to give in and wait to further their relationship until after debut like the Chinese boy wanted. But furthering their relationship wasn't the real issue anymore. Yan An was just being stubborn, and Changgu couldn't bring himself to concede either when he didn't understand the other boys reasoning in the first place.

Changgu loves his best friend more than he's ever loved another person, and potential distance and rough schedules won't change that. He's _told_ Yan An that more than once, and he's done everything he can to make his stance clear: _I will **never** stop loving you._ It still hadn't been enough to convince the Chinese trainee, which Changgu took to mean the other just doesn't feel the same way. 

He tries to brush the subject off. "We're sort of at an impasse and neither of us is giving up anytime soon, so there's really nothing much to talk about."

Hyunggu's forehead creases as he frowns. Changgu must seem pitiful to him these days, and Hyunggu, as sweet as his dongsaeng is, has been too forgiving.

"But you're hurting, hyung. It's okay to talk about how you feel."

Changgu swallows back all the things he wishes he could say. He doesn't want to burden his dongsaeng any more than he already has lately.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he says gently so that the other boy doesn't feel bad for asking. "I wanna talk about you. Why were you so upset earlier? I've never seen you get mad so fast."

Hyunggu isn't expecting the question and his skin pales slightly as memories of the night before return to the forefront of his mind. He can't just spill everything to his hyung, that wouldn't be fair to Jinho, Hui or Hyojong. Even if he did tell the older singer, he doubts his hyung would even take him seriously. Maybe he can't tell the whole truth, but he can still be honest with his hyung to a certain degree.

So, he explains how stressful the last week had been with everyone acting so strangely with each other. How much it bothers him every time he's pushed away or flat-out ignored when he tries to show affection for the members. How much he misses having normal downtime in the dorm with everyone, just laughing, playing, or cuddling without all of these newfound inhibitions. How much it hurts not to have that camaraderie at the end of a long day of training and filming. 

"Hyunggu-yah," the older boy chides, regret written all over his face. "You shouldn't have kept this to yourself. You shouldn't ever feel like you're alone." Changgu reaches for Hyunggu's hand and squeezes it comfortingly. "I've been the worst hyung. I've been so caught up in what's going on between me and Yan An that I didn't even notice you were taking this so hard. Even after you spent so much time helping me, Yan An, and Hongseok with dance, we all just pushed you away too."

Hyunggu shrugs, but neither he or his hyung buy his halfhearted attempt at nonchalance. Changgu tugs at his hand a bit to get him to look up.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

"I didn't want to burden anyone, especially not you, hyung. I know you're already hurting right now and I didn't want to make it worse. But even all the other hyungs are so stressed that I didn't want to add to their worries either. And Wooseok and Yuto can't see past one another right now, so..." Hyunggu trails off. 

He hates the way Changgu is looking at him, like he's got a thousand more apologies on the tip of his tongue. His hyung shouldn't feel bad when none of this was his fault and he's suffered so much already these past few days. 

Luckily, Changgu doesn't apologize again, but instead offers, "It doesn't matter how stressed I am or whatever else I'm going through, I'll always be there for you. If you wanna talk, or hang out, or cuddle, I'll be there, okay?"

The visual says it with his signature smile, the same smile he hasn't seen all week unless they were filming, and the sight of it detangles some of the knot that's been in Hyunggu's chest for days. He knows that Changgu wouldn't make this offer in vain, and at last he feels the comfort he's been so desperate for. He doesn't know what will happen with Jinho, Hui, or Hyojong, but if he at least has Changgu back, maybe he won't feel so adrift anymore.

They finish lunch and part ways. Hyunggu has his vocal lesson, while his hyung has his individual filming and self practice time, but midway through their practice  
all ten trainees are gathered for their rankings.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you catch any mistakes/discrepancies please let me know! I rushed the editing/proofreading so I could get this posted for you guys. Thanks for sticking it out with me!

This time, it's Yan An who places tenth between them. He does his best not to let it affect him as they continue to train that night, but as soon as he's in the van, he throws the hood of his sweatshirt over his head and drops the smile he's been forcing for hours. No one tries to comfort him, not while staff is driving them home, but as soon as they're behind closed doors, he's given small shows of support in the form of a hand brushing the back of his neck, gentle touches to his arms or his back, but no one lingers beyond that and no one knows quite what to say to comfort him. Hui tries, telling him there's no shame in coming last because even when they debut they'll have individual teasers or fancams and someone will always end up having the least amount of likes or views, but that their fans will still love all ten. It is a slightly comforting thought until Yan An imagines constantly being the one to get the least support out of the members, even though he knows that's not what Hwitaek intended.

Now that Yuto isn't tenth for a third week, the panic that overtook everyone just a week ago is absent, but there's still an uncomfortable heaviness present in the dorm as they get ready to sleep.

Yan An is tired, moreso mentally than physically, but his feet still drag all the way to his room. Changgu is there, waiting on the edge of Yan An's bottom bunk, eyes full of worry.

"Do you want to talk about it?" the older visual asks, much to Yan An's surprise, but he shakes his head 'no' in answer.

Changgu purses his lips and Yan An admires him. Even after he's done everything he can to push his best friend away, the other is still looking at him like he's something precious. For a moment he lets himself do the same. The perfect slope of Changgu's eyebrows- they're flawless even when they're skewed with concern. His nose is straight and beautiful, and Yan An thinks about the divot where that nose meets lips is unimaginably pretty. His deep brown eyes are pink around the edges, either from tiredness or emotion, but they are as inviting as they have ever been.

"Yan An," the boy breathes, nearly a whisper in their quiet room. "What do you need?"

It's not lost on Yan An how much he doesn't deserve Changgu's kindness right now. He hasn't been completely honest with the other singer. No matter how much he loves Changgu, he should have done better at keeping his distance from the moment he realized he had feelings for his best friend. Instead he let his love show too clearly and because of that Changgu is suffering.

"Nothing," he says, and they both know it's an outright lie. "I don't need anything. I'm just going to shower," he manages to say with a little more conviction.

Yan An can feel Changgu's eyes on him as he turns and picks out nightclothes from their closet. As much as he longs to go to the other visual, he doesn't want to take advantage of him either. With a parting glance into those watchful eyes, Yan An exits their shared bedroom and goes to shower.

It's not even a full minute that he's been under the hot spray of the shower head that he hears the bathroom door open and shut. There's a rustle of clothes being shed and Yan An closes his eyes and tilts his head into the water before his roommate pulls open the shower door and steps in behind him. Yan An leaves his head beneath the spray. His eyes clench shut as he feels fingertips brush his wrists. Changgu's slender hands circle his wrists before sliding up his forearms, elbows, biceps, until the reach his shoulders, and then they move across his chest as he's pulled into a hug. He feels Changgu pressed up against every inch of his back, and the older boy rests his forehead on the back of his neck. Lips press against a knob of his spine in a kiss that's barely there before offering, "It's gonna be okay, Yan Anie. You'll be fine. Don't worry. No one will get eliminated. We'll all stay together and everything will be fine."

The singer's voice voice is husky and a little shaky, and it strikes Yan An that Changgu is really here with him offering sweet words and comfort even when he least deserves it. He doesn't want to take advantage, but now that he's in Changgu's embrace he simply can't push the boy away. Instead, he leans back into the other's arms, and Changgu promptly nudges him into turning around so they're face to face but he ducks his head into the smaller boy's neck before Changgu can get a good look at him.

Yan An doesn't like to cry. He's always fought away tears until he's alone where no one can see him hurting, but being alone is a luxury he hasn't had since he moved into the dorm. Crying in front of Changgu makes him feel like such a burden, especially now when they aren't even on speaking terms. And yet here Changgu is, holding him, calming him, letting Yan An sob silently into his skin. It's embarrassing not only because he feels weak but because he knows he doesn't deserve this kind of love. Changgu deserves the world, and Yan An can't even give himself over the way he wants to. All he's done is hurt Changgu over and over again, and now he's even guilted the older boy into comforting him.

Yan An imagines a thousand apologies to offer Changgu, but he can't bring himself to voice any of them because even if he does, he knows nothing is going to change. He still can't be with Changgu- not now, no matter how much he aches to belong to the other. After placing last in the rankings and not even gaining one Pentagram point this week, his chance at debuting and staying with Changgu and the others is dwindling right before his eyes.

He wriggles out of Changgu's arms even though doing so leaves him feeling winded, like he's suffered a sudden blow to the chest, and Changgu let's him go with ease. The older boy makes no moves toward him but he clearly longs to, and Yan An adds this to the growing list of ways he's hurt the other.

"Let's wash," the Chinese boy says firmly, eyeing the tile of their shower stall. "The others are waiting."

They wash up in silence. Every time he dares to glance up he catches Changgu staring but the older trainee doesn't bother look away. He's waiting for Yan An. Waiting for him to talk or cry or seek out his touch once more. Yan An does none of those things. He washes up, then gestures for Changgu to switch places with him and rinse off. He steps out of the stall while the eldest is still rinsing the soap from his thick black hair.

It only takes seconds to pat himself mostly dry, and another few to slip on his boxers and t-shirt. He brushes his teeth quickly before washing his face. As he's rinsing, the shower pipes creak as Changgu shuts off the tap. The older singer towels himself off while Yan An combs his hair.

He glances at his best friend through the mirror, but Changgu isn't looking at him with that expecting gaze anymore. Instead, his brown eyes are downcast, shoulders slumped like he's lost his nerve. Another wave of guilt hits Yan An and it's almost physically painful at this point.

Changgu wraps his towel around his hips and reaches for his own skincare products, so Yan An makes room for him in front of their small sink and mirror. The silence between them is grating, and so unlike all the other times they've stood in this same place getting ready for bed together. It's another reminder of how little restraint he has when it comes to Changgu. He's shared his meals, his fears, his goals and secrets, his mornings, his nights, and everything in between with the other boy, and he's done it all while knowing how fragile their relationship really is. 

There's a reason why their fans perceive Yuto as being brooding and cold, and it's the same reason they're picking up on Yan An's frequent awkwardness around the other trainees. The Korean trainees chalk it up to Yuto's resting bitch face and Yan An having spent the least amount of time at the company, but Yan An sees it for what it is and he knows Yuto must, too.

Korea is not home. He and Yuto have left their countries, their families and everything familiar in order to chase their dream, and failing now could very well be the end for both of them. This is the best opportunity they're ever going to get. They have a Hyung-line destined for greatness and every single other member has their own charms and talents as well. The chemistry between the ten of them is once-in-a-lifetime, especially for a group of their size. Half of the group could be cut and there would still be an abundance of talent, but that's the problem. Yan An's voice doesn't pack the punch that many of the others' do, and his voice is too sweet to suit songs that lean more toward hip-hop than pop. With 3 rappers in the group- 4 if Jinho counts, Pentagon debuting as a hip-hop group is a possibility. He struggles sometimes with choreography. His pronunciation has improved tremendously since moving into the dorm with his friends, but he still has to practice twice as hard just for it to be deemed "decent enough" by their  
vocal coach. If that weren't enough, now he's the least popular member this week based on the individual videos they've posted online, and he couldn't even earn a Pentagram point this week and if he doesn't pull it together next week he really might be cut and then everything he's worked for will-

Suddenly, Changgu's pale arms gather him close, back to chest, yet again, but _fuck_. This time Yan An really loses it.

Each sob shakes it's way through him, but unlike his quiet cry in the shower, there are deep, ugly groans tearing their way out of him without his consent. Changgu doesn't speak, doesn't try to soothe him with words the way he tried before. He only holds onto Yan An and lets him cry and cry.

Minutes pass and Yan An is still loud, and he must be making a big enough racket because someone comes knocking.

"Yan Anie?" Hui calls through the door. The shame of Hui and the others hearing him like this only causes him to gasp and groan more. He slumps to the floor to hide his face in his knees and Changgu follows him down, doesn't let him go for a second, and draws Yan An's face into his chest.

"No. No. No," he chokes out into Changgu's bare shoulder, tears and snot wetting the just-dried skin. "I'm fi- I'm fine."

"Anie, it's okay. It's alright," Changgu whispers fiercely, desperate to calm his roommate down. "Hold on," he calls to Hui, breathlessly, then goes back to speaking quietly and swiftly, just for Yan An's ears.

"It's okay to cry. You're okay. It's just us. We love you. We love you Anie."

Yan An doesn't feel much better hearing how loved he is. That's part of the reason this hurts so much. He loves them too, but it's not enough to keep them all together.

Hui must grow uncomfortable with how much time has passed without Yan An sounding any better because after a curt warning he lets himself into the bathroom. Yan An doesn't look up, he just keeps his head buried in Changgu's skin, feeling impossibly foolish for making such a scene but he can't pull himself together the way he usually does.

He feels Hui's presence as the leader joins them on the bathroom floor. 

"What's going on baby?" Hui asks, voice soft and effortlessly soothing. 

Yan An only shakes his head in response. Hui looks at Changgu who seems to be at a loss for what to do to calm the Chinese boy, so Hui tries again. "You're going to be fine, Yan An. There's no way you'll be last again. You're too precious for the viewers not to see that. They'll probably vote for you more from now on because of this too. We're not losing you. You're gonna debut."

"I'm scared Hwitaek-hyung," Yan An admits pitifully, voice hoarse and gravelly.

"I am too," Hui says.

"We all are. It's a scary situation," Changgu agrees, "But at least we have each other. If we work harder, we can all debut, I know it."

The two continue to reassure him that he's in less danger than he thinks, that the fans love him enough to keep him out of the bottom again. Hui reminds him that he's the leader and has hardly earned any points himself, but with persistence the points will come. Yan An doesn't necessarily believe his hyungs because he knows they're only trying to make him feel better but their platitudes soothe him enough to stop shaking, even though he's still got hiccups.

Changgu is cradling him and Hui hugs him from behind. He is so anxious but being in their arms gives him a sense of physical security that allows him to finally calm down. They hold him until he sits up, uncovering his tear-streaked face. They help him stand and when Hui gets a good look at Yan An, he coos, "Ahh Yan Anie, you're even pretty after crying. How is that?"

The foreign visual blushes, as he usually does when the members compliment his looks, but Hui knows he loves the attention even if he'll never admit it, and it successfully perks up Yan An's tearful eyes a bit.

"Let's get you to bed, hmm?" Hui lifts his hand to the back of Yan An's neck, and the position the two are is too intimate for Changgu's comfort.

"I'll sleep with you on the bottom bunk tonight," the Korean visual blurts. His inflection is curt and  
Hui eyes him curiously. Changgu doesn't meet his eyes, choosing to focus his attention on Yan An, but his features seem more tense than worried now. If Changgu is actually jealous, Hui doesn't want to face it in the midst of everything they're dealing with now, so he drops his hand from Yan An's neck.

"Okay," the Chinese boy sniffs, avoiding eye contact. "I'm sorry you guys had to deal with this tonight."

"It's not a problem. We're all here for you. Wherever else is going on, that will never change, alright?" Hui asserts.

Yan An hums unconvincingly, but Hui lets it go. He knows he'll have to prove it to Yan An with his actions, not words, and he really doesn't plan on letting the boy down.

When the three of them exit the bathroom, they find 7 pairs of curious eyes on them. Yan An groans and covers his face with his hands. Hui and Changgu hurriedly shoo the other members away,  
promising them that Yan An will be okay while the member in question flees to his bedroom.

When Changgu enters their room a moment later, he drops his towel and puts on underwear, tank and pajama bottoms. Yan An determinedly does not watch his friend get dressed, rolling over on his bottom bunk to face the wall. Changgu climbs into bed soon after and spoons him. As incredible as it feels any time he's in Changgu's arms, it is also stressful. Yan An wants things he hasn't yet earned, but if he keeps himself in check then maybe he can at least have his best friend back.

"Changgu?" He croaks, voice shot from the strain of crying for so long.

"Yeah Anie?"

The younger boy reaches for Changgu's hand and grips it like it's a lifeline. "I didn't want to hurt you."

The older boy sighs into Yan An's damp hair. "I know. And I know you love me."

"I do."

"You're hiding something from me though. That's what hurts the most. You don't trust me enough to tell me what's holding you back."

Yan An doesn't deny it. He doesn't want to lie anymore. At some point keeping his secret to protect Changgu only ended up hurting the older boy more.

"If I don't debut with Pentagon, I'm going home."

"Don't worry so much, Yan Anie. The staff said that even if someone gets cut they aren't leaving the company. You'd still be able to train." Changgu's voice is light and reassuring, but it's no comfort.

"Not for me. My contract is conditional. Cube chose me specifically to be a part of this project because they said I'd be a good fit. If I don't get into Pentagon, my contract will expire. I'll have to back to Shanghai."

"That's not happening." Changgu's voice hardens, "You're not going anywhere. Look- No, look at me."

The Chinese boy is trying to keep his face buried in his pillow, but his friend insistently maneuvers him so that he's lying on his back and Changgu's lying mostly on top of him to keep him in place. When Yan An finally sees his best friend, he's expecting Changgu to look betrayed or devastated at what he's revealed. And, okay, he has tear-glossed eyes but somehow he's still _smiling_ down at Yan An like he hasn't been keeping this huge secret and hurting Changgu left and right to keep that secret.

Before he can question Changgu's reaction, there are lips covering his and he's not at all expecting it and it's- It's his first real kiss. And it's his first real kiss with _Changgu_ , and it's not the way he imagined it would happen, quick and sweet and timid (and occurring some time after they are confirmed to debut). Changgu's lips are soft yet eager, moving against his own with a confidence that evokes an unfamiliar sense of jealousy- Yan An is floundering but Changgu's kiss is practiced perfection. Overpowering that jealousy though are the _sensations_. Changgu's tongue brushes the part of his lips and he can _taste_ Changgu, even beneath the minty flavor from their toothpaste.

Once Yan An figures out how to breathe again, he realizes that he can feel Changgu's breath on his cheek, and because the older trainee is lying flush atop him, Changgu's familiar scent floods his nose, crisp and masculine and intoxicating to Yan An. It's like his every sense is only attuned to Changgu, from his natural scent to the warm weight of his body. Nothing exists beyond this, beyond the tickle of their noses brushing and the point where their mouths meet, continuously pressing and parting, and again, there's the faintest swipe of Changgu's tongue against his lip, and the way Yan An's tongue instinctually chases it in return, and the way Changgu keens when Yan An's curiosity causes him to stick his tongue in Changgu's mouth. Yan An feels like he could do this forever, like he might die if he can't keep kissing Changgu.

The older boy has considerably more self control, because he reins Yan An in until they're back to fluttering, teasing kisses. Yan An has no complaints.

They kiss for while, sometimes making eye contact between the kisses, each time sending shivers down Yan An's spine. They continue long enough that Yan An's lips feel bruised, and the new sensation makes him suddenly giddy. He startles Changgu enough that he pulls back, but once he recognizes that Yan An is shaking from laughter, he relaxes.

"What's funny?"

Yan An is still chuckling when he answers, but tears are welling up in those eyes once again. "We're kissing. You should be so mad at me but instead you're kissing me."

Changgu rolls off of Yan An and props himself up with an elbow. "I understand why you didn't tell me. You were trying to protect me. I get it, but I'm not gonna lie, I am still a little mad that you hid it."

Yan An's smile has faded and he reaches up to touch Changgu's chin, then traces the boy's bottom lip with his thumb, remembering the way it felt against his own. "I didn't want you to worry, and I couldn't start a relationship with you without you knowing I might have to leave Korea. And now you know and it's even scarier. I didn't want to burden you with this. You should- We should all be focused on debuting."

"I'm not burdened. It's scary to think you could be so far from me, but Yan An you could move to Antarctica and it wouldn't change how I feel about you. You shouldn't have pushed me away."

"It'll be so hard. We'll never see each other."

"Whoa," Changgu raises his eyebrows. "You talk about it like it's a done deal. You're not gonna get cut, and even if you did, you still could audition for another company. A smaller company would love to have someone who's already got some training from Cube. You'd definitely get picked up somewhere."

Changgu kisses his roommate again, then speaks against his lips, "It doesn't matter where you go, I'll still be yours."

Part of Yan An wants to snort at Changgu for being a little cheesy and way too optimistic, but the look in the other visual's eyes is so sincere that he just sighs instead. If only it were that simple. But, Changgu does have a point; Yan An _can_ audition somewhere else if his contract is cancelled, even if the thought of having to resort to that makes him feel a bit queasy.

If Yan An did go to another company, wouldn't it still be almost as bad as being in a different country? Trainees have almost no time to date, and there's no chance that his days off would match up with Pentagon's. They'd still be in a long distance relationship, and the prospect doesn't sit well with Yan An.

Changgu sees the hesitation in Yan An's eyes.

"Even if we hadn't kissed, even if I never told you out loud how much I love you, you always knew it, didn't you?"

The tall boy gives Changgu a shaky nod.

"Then it was already too late to try and keep us apart. If you're cut, if I'm cut, it's gonna hurt the same whether you're my best friend or my boyfriend."

And. Well. Yan An doesn't really have an argument for that anymore. Changgu knows the stakes now and is somehow still willing to be with him. There's nothing left to hold him back, _except_...

"I... Changgu, I want you. I love you. But, there's something else you need to know."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy October! 10.10 is around the corner! Can you believe it’s almost been a year since Pentagon debuted? Our babies are growing up. T^T 
> 
> Thanks so much for all of your comments and kudos. They always make my day!

Hongseok’s smooth voice coaxes Jinho awake, but before he can sit up in his bed, the younger man is climbing under the blankets to snuggle up with him.

“Wha’ time’s it?” the short singer slurs.

“Only five. We can sleep another half hour,” Hongseok mumbles into his hair.

“We shouldn't,” Jinho sighs and rolls so he's lying with his cheek to his friend’s chest.

“But we can.”

Jinho gives in. His body needs the rest, after all, and Hongseok is warm and solid and comforting beneath him.

 

When they wake again, Hongseok tells Jinho about him and Hyojong. He's a bit surprised, of course, but he’s more so worried.

“Do you think it's a good idea right now?”

Hongseok shakes his head and answers with a wry smile, “But none of this has ever been a good idea, and neither of us wants to wait for debut anymore. It might never come for some of us. I'm not planning on losing him before I ever get to have him.”

The tall man shifts beneath Jinho so he can get a better look at him. “That goes for you, too, Hyung.”

Jinho blinks up at him, a nervous smile playing at his lips. Hongseok tightens his grip around his hyung’s waist.

“I'm yours now, if you want me.”

“You know I do,” Jinho looks away, feeling conflicted. Of course he wants to finally be with Hongseok, but he's still afraid. Can he stand to lose a fellow member and best friend after becoming intimate?

Not just physically, but emotionally, he longs to take the next step with Hongseok and the others. He trusts them, loves them wholeheartedly. He has faith in them, but he doesn't have as much faith in himself. He's grown accustomed to training and unlike the others he's already debuted before. Every year that passes, he senses his chances of reaching another debut getting slimmer.

It’s too much right now. He’s too close to his dream to jeopardize everything now. He can have Hongseok after he debuts, but not before then. He knows himself, and he knows that he needs to put all of his thoughts into training and showing his best to the staff and the fans of their show.

He looks at his best friend apologetically. “It’s not that I don’t want you, but that I can’t let myself have you yet. You drive me crazy, all of you, but ever since we got everything out in the open it’s been harder for me to focus on training because I’m always thinking about you and Hwitaek and Hyojong. I’ve been so caught up in my own feelings that I didn’t even notice how much Hyunggu was hurting. I think for now it’s best if I concentrate on training and taking care of you all as well as I can. We need to debut as ten.”

Hongseok’s smile is a little sad, but his eyes are understanding, and Jinho would expect nothing less from him. “Okay. We’ll be waiting for you then. As long as you know that?”

Jinho nods and leans into Hongseok side, enjoying the shared body warmth. Moments like this is all he needs for now. But, he can still anticipate more.

“I’m happy for you and Dawnie. Did you...”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.”

“What?” the tall visual elbows him softly.

“Is Hyojongie a good kisser?”

Hongseok bursts into laughter at the shy inquiry, and Jinho can’t help but giggle nervously as well. “ _What?_ He seems like he would be, that’s all!”

“What, you’re not curious about _me?_ ” Hongseok asks, eyebrows up near his hairline in offense.

Jinho smacks the top of his thigh, “Just get out of here and let me get dressed, you dork!”

 

When Jinho leaves his bedroom to grab breakfast, he’s greeted by the sight of Hongseok, Hui and Hyojong practically wrapped around one another in the kitchen as they dole out breakfast for the kids, smiling ear to ear, and when they notice him looking, all three light up even more.

It makes him shiver, because even now, they’re his. They love him and they’ll have each other while they wait for him. The thought leaves him giddy and warm. He may not be able to give them what they want now, but they won’t hold it against him. Hyojong beckons him with a crooked finger and a sly smile.

He approaches them with caution, but Hongseok’s gentle eyes are reassuring and he trusts them to respect his boundaries.

“Good morning, Hyojongie.”

“Mornin’ Hyung,” he rasps as he pulls Jinho into a one armed hug.

Hui brushes a hand over Jinho’s back, and Hongseok just leans in to press his side against Jinho and Dawn so that the four of them are connected. Hongseok and Hui continue dishing out food to the younger members, while he and Hyojong chatter to themselves about the schedule for today. For once, Jinho is not burdened about having to face their rankings. Whether he’s at the top or the bottom, he’s not as scared as he’s been in the past because whatever happens he knows he’s going to have nine men to lean on for support, and three of them with whom he can share all of his thoughts and fears. They’re going to be okay. They’re all going to be okay.

 

 

 

They’re too tall for their own bunks, let alone to share one bed for the night, but that won’t stop Yuto from squeezing his limbs into the cramped space just to sleep with Wooseok. He doesn’t do it often because one or both of them end up with neck or back pain in the morning. But some nights it’s worth the trouble, especially when Yuto’s mind is overflowing with fears and doubts.

When he wakes, Wooseok is staring at him with a fond look in his large, sleepy eyes.

“Handsome,” Yuto clears his throat after the word is warped from his gravelly morning voice. “How are you so handsome when you just woke up? You dick.”

Wooseok’s laughter makes the cheap bunk bed creak beneath their weight.

“I dunno. I was just born beautiful, I guess. Aren’t you lucky?” he smirks at his boyfriend.

Yuto is too sleepy to argue for the sake of playful banter, so he leans over and kisses Wooseok instead. When he pulls away, the boy’s smirk has gone sweet to match the look in his eyes.

“Love you,” Wooseok says earnestly.

“I know baby. Me too.” He looks down at his boyfriend’s face, enjoying the pretty skin, long lashes, and warm brown eyes that meet his. The moment is beautiful while it lasts. “Mom’s coming soon, isn’t he?”

Wooseok scrunches his face and nods, glances at his phone to check the time then hums, “But, we probably have another fifteen minutes to ourselves?”

The boy’s tone shifts and so do his hips, and the implications make Yuto a little breathless. He can’t resist when his boyfriend is looking at him like that, and he doesn’t want to resist anyway.

Once they’ve both caught their breath and frantically cleaned up with wet wipes, cracked the window, and sprayed air freshener around the room, they start getting ready for the day. Hongseok comes in to wake them and isn’t surprised that they’re already up and about, because they usually are awake before he comes, unlike the other rooms. If he suspects anything, he never lets on, and that’s one of many reasons Yuto has grown to appreciate his hyung so much.

Breakfast is... weird. The hyungs are all cuddly which wouldn’t have been weird a couple of weeks ago, but it seems out of place with everything else that’s happened lately. Yan An and Changgu are still avoiding each other (and everyone else). And Kino is still acting distant which is grating on Yuto’s nerves. He misses the other boy, and he knows Wooseok does too. Shinwon, at least, is acting normally, smiling brightly and eager to get to the company. Yuto has never met a morning person like Shinwon, and he’s envious of the boy’s enthusiasm, and the way he’s able to brush off his nerves in the face of uncertainty.

Shinwon eats breakfast with him and Wooseok, and for a little while, it feels like everything is going to work out just fine.

Then they get to the company and Hyunggu freaks out at Changgu during dance practice, they find out their rankings, and Yan An breaks down soon after they get back to the dorm.

It worries them all because out of everyone, Hui, Hyojong and Yan An are the ones who keep themselves together the best. They’ve all been through a lot together, so they’ve seen each other at their low points, but HuiDawn are always good at holding things inside until they’re back in the dorm, whereas Yan An just has incredible self-control. Even when he’s been sad about missing his family back home, Yuto’s never seen him cry. Now, though, the sound of him sobbing echoes throughout their dorm, to the point where all the members have gathered near the entrance to the hallway, some sitting or leaning against the wall. They want to be close, but not invasive, so they stay a good distance from the door to where they can only occasionally hear Changgu’s voice gently murmuring to their Chinese member.

Yuto holds Wooseok from behind, sitting with his own back against the wall for support, and they tangle their fingers together. Hyunggu, who must temporarily be forgetting to avoid them, clutches at Wooseok’s forearm, and after a while they shift so that Kino is lying between Wooseok’s bent legs and his head against the tallest boy’s chest.

Having Kino close is something he’s gone without for far too long, and he vows to himself to talk to the other boy before they go to sleep tonight, but now isn’t the time. They’re all waiting to see that Yan An is going to be alright, but he’s still crying pretty loud. Eventually, Hui knocks on the door, unable to wait any longer without doing something about it. 

“Yan Anie?” their leader calls concernedly.

“No, no, no,” they hear from behind the door, “I’m fi- I’m fine.”

Then a few gasping breaths before Changgu calls back, “Hold  
on!”

The gasping doesn’t stop though, and Yan An still sobs occasionally as he tries to breath, and sitting there listening feels absolutely horrible. The members clutch at one another in the hallway, and Yuto hears someone sniffle. A few more tense moments pass before Hui says, “I’m coming in,” and disappears into the bathroom.

It’s excruciating to hear their Yan An like this, and it reminds him that’s just last week _he_ was the one who was breaking down. He didn’t realize at the time what it must have felt like for the others, but now he’s experiencing it himself- the guilt, the worry, the hopelessness of not knowing how to make his friend feel any better.

“I’m sorry,” Yuto whispers close to Wooseok’s ear, “for making you worry last week.”

Hyunggu must hear him, too, because he runs his fingers along Yuto’s calf soothingly, giving them another point of connection. Wooseok shakes his head at Yuto and whispers back, “You couldn’t help it, and neither can Yan An-hyung. No one’s holding it against you.”

It’s another ten minutes or so before the bathroom door opens again. Yan An looks shocked to see all of the members in the hall but before he can speak about it, Hui and Changgu shoo everyone away. Because Hui and Changgu seem to have things under control, and Yan An isn’t as wrecked as he was before, the members disperse. Most of them head into the living room, but Yuto and the other maknaes scramble off the floor and head towards his and Wooseok’s bedroom.

Wooseok sits in the raggedy rolling chair they saved from the company building’s dumpster, and he pulls Kino back into his lap. Yuto sits on the edge of Wooseok’s bottom bunk and watches them get comfortable. Something tugs at his chest- a sense of satisfaction and warmth that’s unexpected and powerful.

“I miss you,” Hyunggu says into his own chest, his head hanging at an awkward angle. He doesn’t specify who he’s talking to, so Yuto takes it to be meant for him and Wooseok both.

“I miss you too,” Yuto admits quietly, unable to keep himself from frowning. He’s gone too long without his best friend and even though it’s good to know the feeling is mutual, it hurts to think that they’ve been missing one another in the first place.

“Me too,” Wooseok murmurs and squeezes Kino in his arms, but the boy wriggles and stands, moving out of the tallest boy’s reach.

“Then why are you both so distant? All you do is push me away,” Kino accuses, although he’s more confused than angry, even as he stares both of them down. “And with everyone else acting weird too, I thought I could at least count on you two to treat me the same.”

Once he gets over the shock of Hyunggu’s words, Yuto feels like such an ass. There had been a couple of times in the days following their last ranking that he’d brushed the dancer off, but he hadn’t been in the mood to socialize with anyone just yet. It wasn’t anything personal against Hyunggu, as he had also shrugged off his hyungs those days too. He thought Hyunggu had been avoiding him, but he was the one who created distance first and didn’t even realize it. 

Wooseok’s voice brings Yuto out of his thoughts.

“I didn’t mean to push you away. I was just trying to be there for Yuto and... I felt like we shouldn’t... Like we—”

The baby faced boy struggles to say what was on his mind, and Yuto wonders why. He had no idea that Wooseok was consciously keeping his distance from Kino. When Yuto brought up that he was missing the other maknae, Wooseok had even agreed with him. Why on Earth would he intentionally give Kino the cold shoulder then...? With both Yuto and Wooseok pushing him away, it was no wonder the other maknae was upset with them.

“After what Hui-hyung said, it seemed like we should all keep to ourselves.” Yuto and Kino stare at him skeptically, and he racks on, “Or something.”

The dancer’s voice turns bitter, “You didn’t stay away from Yuto. If anything, you guys have been closer. You hardly talk to me anymore.” He looks at Yuto, his thick eyebrows turned downward in a pained expression, “You too.”

“I’m sorry, Hyunggu. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just needed time to myself.”

Yuto knows that was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words leave his mouth because Hyunggu doesn’t meet his eyes as he bites out, “Time with Wooseok, you mean.”

“No. I meant what I said. Wooseok was just trying to be supportive while I—” he tries to defend, but Hyunggu doesn’t let him finish.

“ _I_ tried to be supportive _too_ , but all you did was brush me off like it was nothing. I-I get it if there’s something going on between you two, but I don’t care about any of that. I just want my friends back. At least the hyungs stayed away for a good reason, but it’s like you two just don’t wanna bother with me.”

“That’s not true,” Wooseok negates, and he stands up, flustered by Kino’s angry tone. “We’ve both missed you a lot, Hyunggu-yah.”

“He’s right, Kang Hyunggu. Whatever the reasons we had, we were wrong, okay? But we really do miss you. You’re our best friend. Please don’t be mad. We’re sorry,” Yuto pleads, worried for their friendship.

Kino looks back and forth between them, at their pitiful, guilt-ridden faces, and sighs. “I’m not mad. It’s just that this week has been... It’s been the worst, and I’ve felt like I had no one. I didn’t want to bother Shinwon-hyung because he’s been in such a good mood lately, and I couldn’t talk to Changgu or Yan An-hyung because they were... preoccupied, and I just really _needed_ you.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuto tells him again. “I promise, you have us now.”

Wooseok uses his long arms to pull Kino toward him so that they’re standing much closer. “That’s right. We’re still best friends, no matter what,” the youngest’s deep voice washes over the room, and Yuto hopes it’s as comforting to Kino as it is to him. “But what did you mean about the hyungs?”

“Nothing,” Hyunggu shakes his head and forces a small smile, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Hyunggu?” Wooseok tries once more, but whatever it is, Hyunggu doesn’t want to talk about it, so they don’t press him for answers.

The three of them settle onto the floor, their backs resting against the bottom bunk, and Kino rests his head on Yuto’s shoulder. They finally talk. Yuto talks about how awful and terrifying it was being at the bottom last week and that he didn’t want to talk to anyone about it at first, but Wooseok’s persistence had ended up making him feel better in the long run. Kino tells them how isolated he’s felt and how he knows there’s something more than friendship between Wooseok and Yuto. So, after a moment of meaningful eye contact with his boyfriend, Wooseok tells Kino the truth about him and Yuto.

“We’ve been together for a few months. We didn’t want to get in trouble or piss anyone off, so we kept it to ourselves.”

“But we should have told you sooner,” Yuto adds when he sees the way Kino’s head droops.

The smaller boy hums in agreement but doesn’t speak otherwise, so for a while they just sit in silence as he takes the information in. Yuto doesn’t think his friend is angry anymore, but Kino is certainly deep in his thoughts. His brows are furrowed and his shoulders are slumped, and it worries the Japanese boy to see his friend like this.

“I’m happy for you,” the dancer says, finally, but he still sounds off to Yuto, and his comment about the hyungs avoiding him hadn’t slipped Yuto’s mind either.

“Thanks, but... Are you sure there’s nothing else bothering you, Hyunggu?”

Hyunggu looks over at Yuto but hesitates to speak, and the second he opens his mouth to tell them, a knock on the bedroom door startles them all. Hyojong bursts into the room a moment later, not bothering to ask if he can come in.

“Oh! You _are_ in here,” he peers down at Kino. “C’mon, let’s talk.”

He says it casually, but Hyojong’s posture makes it clear that he’s not making a request. Yuto’s still worried about Hyunggu, but a talk with their hyung might help Hyunggu feel less alone. Wooseok must be thinking similarly because when their best friend looks to him apologetically, Wooseok smiles and nudges him towards standing. Kino still hesitates, looking between them and Hyojong indecisively, until Yuto tells him once more to go with their hyung.

“We can talk again whenever you want,” Yuto assures him, then watches him leave the room with Dawn.

Wooseok turns to Yuto with a slightly dissatisfied expression. The tallest boy winds his long, wide-knuckled fingers around Yuto’s, and pulls the boy closer, into the space that Kino had been sitting in.

“Let’s see if we can shower now,” Wooseok suggests sleepily.

“Good idea,” Yuto sniffs at his boyfriend’s neck, dramatically. “You stink.”

Wooseok smiles, and his wide brown eyes are drooping with tiredness, but it’s still such a pretty sight. Yuto tuts his tongue. 

“Always pretty,” he complains, but it’s not about jealousy as much as it’s about Wooseok giving him non-stop butterflies and making him feel like a lovesick pre-teen.

Wooseok is used to his roundabout compliments, because they come as frequently as the outright compliments do, and that’s often. Wooseok blossoms in the attention and praise he receives from anyone, but in the privacy of the dorm there’s a bashfulness that only the members get to see.

While the other rapper checks on the shower vacancy, Yuto gathers boxers and tees for them to sleep in. Luckily, Wooseok tells him, Shinwon just got out of the shower so they can use it now. They shower in comfortable silence, not bothering to chat as they both are consumed by their own thoughts, and neither boy is in the mood to fool around (especially not as rushed as they would have to be with others still waiting to shower), so they finish up quickly.

Once they’re back in their room, dry and ready for bed, Yuto climbs into the bottom bunk and Wooseok folds himself into his arms. They’ll be uncomfortable in the morning, but it’ll be worth it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m not dead, never abandoning this story, just had trouble getting this and the next chapter worked out. I’m sorry it took five whole goddamn months but I wrote and rewrote this chapter, got stuck, then rewrote again. It will never take me this long to update again! I hope you’re still interested TT

Hyojong leads Hyunggu out onto their tiny patio and they each take a seat at the dorm’s cheap plastic outdoor dining set. The night air is uncomfortably crisp, despite it still being summer, but Hyunggu is grateful for the cold sting of it because it helps him stay awake. His body is begging for a shower and rest, but with everything that’s happened tonight he’ll be lucky if he gets even a couple of hours of sleep.

His hyung drawls tiredly, “Hui told me what happened the other night when you stayed late.”

Hyunggu shifts in his seat, his anxiety peaking. “What did he say?”

Dawn fiddles with his thumb ring, sliding it on and off and twisting it around in circles, but that’s not what gives away his hyung’s own nerves. Yuto fidgets when he’s nervous, and sometimes Shinwon has the habit too, but Dawn is in a near constant state of movement even when he’s relaxing. What gives him away is that the rapper is playing it way too cool. His typical aura of nonchalance is forced and as he speaks his eyebrows do that cocky thing they do when they’re practicing for their performance missions or when he knows he’s being watched and wants the attention.

His hyung’s apparent nerves make Kino even more worried. A lot was said that night with Hui and Jinho, and he’s not ready to face any of it. He hasn’t even given himself the opportunity to process it, instead focusing his every thought on training and fixing his relationships with Changgu and the other maknaes. The moment Jinho, Hui or Hyojong intrude his thoughts, he pushes them down as far as he can manage, burying them under early mornings studying Japanese before dance practice, lunch breaks spent monitoring his favorite idols’ performances online, and late nights singing alone in a practice room.

He works tirelessly, constantly learning and improving in preparation for his chance to debut. Finding the motivation to work instead of dwell on his personal life is the only good thing that’s come of that awful night, because mostly it just sent Hyunggu into the biggest fucking mess of emotions and stress he’s ever had to deal with.

He tries to focus on that silver lining. Every second they spend worrying about anything besides training to be idols was time they might regret later. He wants to dance and, more than anything else, he wants to make music and this is his shot at doing both professionally. With that in mind, he hasn’t given himself any amount of time to analyze his feelings toward his hyungs.

As much as he refuses to think about it, he knows Hyojong is about to dredge it all up again whether he’s ready or not.

“He said you had a rough week...” Dawn pauses, causing Hyunggu to raise his eyes from where the older man’s fingers move thoughtlessly atop the table. When their eyes meet, his hyung is staring at him so intensely that he subconsciously holds his breath under the gaze. His lungs start to burn and he remembers that he should definitely be inhaling after he exhales, but by the time he catches his breath, Dawnie’s speaking again.

“He said he told you how we feel about you.”

Hyojong runs his hand through his messy blonde hair and looks back down at his hands. Hyunggu swallows and finds that his mouth has gone dry. It’s embarrassing to hear his hyung say it so blatantly.

“Hui shouldn’t have told me how you felt. That was between you guys. Don’t worry about it,” Hyunggu says measuredly, and he’s halfway to standing in an attempt to escape, the legs of the plastic chair scrape-bouncing along the concrete as his knees nudge it backward until he’s stopped by Hyojong. The older man latches onto the sleeve of his hoodie with both hands and he takes advantage of Hyunggu’s body stilling to speak quickly.

“That’s not— I’m not mad at Hui, if that’s what you thought. I just wanted you to hear it from _me_ now. I wanted to have my confession too. Please let me?”

The request is almost desperate and Hyojong is clearly as embarrassed as he is at this point, so Hyunggu sits back down, and when Hyojong doesn’t let go of his arm he lets the rapper pick at his sleeve as he gathers his thoughts.

The older man glances around the patio, even tilts his head to look up at the night sky before he looks Hyunggu in the eye again. It’s so weird to see his hyung this nervous, especially when _he’s_ the cause of it.

It had seemed surreal when Jinho and Hwitaek confessed to him. He was caught off-guard and his mind was still struggling to process what that conversation. It feels a bit like deja-vu to have yet another hyung sitting before him so nervous to put his feelings into words. It’s impossible to ignore the truth now. His hyungs really do have feelings for him beyond friendship, and the problem is Hyunggu doesn’t know what to do with that knowledge.

Hyojong finally says, “I do love you,” firmly and his hands still their fiddling with Hyunggu’s sleeve.

Hyunggu is expecting to hear those words, but the weight of them still causes his breath to go uneven.

“At first it was just a crush, and if we were in a different situation I probably woulda asked you on a date months ago. But you’re young. Barely legal, for one. And we’re training to be on the same team. I didn’t consider actually telling you— any of you, until Hui and I talked to Jinho-hyung and Hongseok-hyung and we found out we all felt the same about one another.”

Hyunggu interrupts before Hyojong can say any more, “Wait. Hongseok-hyung is gay?”

He gestures toward Dawn with his hands, disrupting his hyung’s absentminded picking at his sweater. The odd, semi-flailing gesture doesn’t make any sense, but probably from the context, the rapper supplies him with the word he’s looking for.

“Well. He’s not straight. He’s... tentatively polyamorous, yeah,” The blonde looks uncertain suddenly. “I thought they told you about all of us. Sorry. Shit.”

“They didn’t say anything about Hongseok-hyung to me,” Hyunggu reflects, unable to school his expression which quickly warps into disbelief.

As Hyunggu sits with his jaw slack to the shock, Dawn continues.

“I’m sorry! I thought they told you or I wouldn’t have said anything... Um. Anyways, we all decided to wait until after debut to act on it, but then we noticed _all_ of the members started getting too close so we. Well Hui had this idea— but I agreed! That we should cool things down until after debut. For the team. So we can stay a team. So Hui gave his talk, but it’s not like people’s feelings just went away. Hongseok, Hui and I are together now. Jinho-hyung wants to wait so he can focus more on training but even if we get split up he’s willing to try.

“And now you know about us, about how we feel, and it’s not that I want to put pressure on you, but... I wanted to tell you myself that if you’re ever open to it, I wanna date you. And if you’re not, I’m still your friend and your hyung and you can count on me. I know the others feel the same when it comes to that.”

It must show on Hyunggu’s face how utterly speechless he is, how unprepared and awkward he feels in this moment, because Hyojong leans forward to meet his eyes and says, “You don’t have to say anything now. Think about it for a while. I’ll make sure the others don’t bring it up until you do, okay?”

Hyunggu nods dumbly. His head is spinning from his hyung’s confession and the realization that all four of his oldest hyungs are practically dating. If Hongseok is... polyamorous like the others then does that mean he also has romantic feelings for Hyunggu? Does he even want to know the answer to that question at this point?

“Hyung, this is a lot...” He crosses his arms over his chest protectively. “I haven’t thought about any of you that way before. I don’t— I mean, you don’t even know if I’m into guys.”

Dawn gives the tiniest shake of his head, blinks at him a couple of times with a scrutinizing gaze.

“I’ve literally walked in on you watching gay porn before.”

Kino slams his palms down on the table, louder than he intends, “You _what_? When?” The word catches in his throat, and fear sweeps into his body before he knows what hit him. It makes his palms slick with sweat, and he feels the adrenaline of fight-or-flight crash in his limbs.

But Hyojong shrugs like it’s not big deal at all. “A few weeks ago. Shinwonie fell asleep on the couch but I didn’t know and went looking for him in your room, but when I got there it was just you... and your laptop.”

The rapper purses his lips but the beginnings of a smirk creep into the corner of his mouth at the memory, and it makes Hyunggu furious but also really fucking embarrassed.

“Hyung! Why don’t you ever knock properly? It’s not _funny_ ,” he stands abruptly, provoked Hyojong’s increasing laughter, this time completely knocking back his chair and disrupting the rapper’s absentminded fiddling with Hyunggu’s sleeve. At least the shock of it gets the older man to stop laughing.

“You think this is a joke? That was private! Haven’t you already caused enough trouble? Now you have to make fun of me too? Do you really even love me or are you just screwing around? It’s none of your business what kind of porn I watch.” Hyunggu hisses angrily, not wanting anyone to overhear them. He can feel tears welling in his eyes and he does everything he can not to let them spill down. He won’t embarrass himself any further.

Hyojong’s eyes widen in fear and, before Hyunggu can tear into him any more, the rapper hurriedly denies it. “I’m sorry! I didn’t say it to mock you. I wouldn’t. But I didn’t just come barging in, you left the door cracked. I didn’t know what you were up to until it was too late. Don’t-” The blonde sighs and leans forward, hands gripping the edge of the table. “Don’t take my feelings lightly, please? I care about you just as much as I do Hui or the others.”

Hyunggu is shaking with emotions as he spits, “You’re really gonna sit there and tell me you love me just as much as you love him?”

It’s clear that he’s talking about Hui. The connection between Hui and Hyojong is so tangible to Kino that the idea of Hyojong having feelings for anyone else on that level is entirely laughable.

“It’s different with you than it is with him, but it’s not _more _or _less_ ,” the blonde tries to explain.__

__“But you and Hui-hyung are-”_ _

__“He’s my best friend,” Dawn interrupts, “He’ll always be the person who understands me the most. _Always_. But I don’t love Jinho-hyung or Hongseok any less. Same with you. You’ve... got a piece of me now. Whether you accept it or not, it’s yours, Hyunggu.”_ _

__Hyojong’s cheeks are pink and he looks a little like he’s gonna die of embarrassment and Hyunggu can absolutely relate. He probably should have expected from the way he writes lyrics that Hyojong would be a bit of a romantic, but he’s usually so easygoing and enigmatic that seeing this side of him is a shock._ _

__“Why did you have to tell me? You should have kept it to yourselves.” Hyunggu struggles to keep his tone from being accusatory. He’s still irritated that his hyung caught him in the middle of something so private and never said anything. He’s torn between his instinct to shut Hyojong and the other hyungs down and the nagging thought that there is _something_ just over the line passed platonic going on within the group._ _

__The more he looks around, really looks at their team, he can recognize that they’re much closer than they used to be. Closer than other teams seem to be. And there’s Yuto and Wooseok, Hui and Hyojong, Changgu and Yan An. There’s the warmth in his chest when he and Shinwon curl up on the bottom bunk together and watch movies on his laptop. The same warmth he feels when the members praise him for his dancing or his compositions but not when his instructors give him the same compliments. There’s the way Dawn is looking at him right now, desperate and nervous, that leaves a bitter taste in his mouth._ _

__There are a lot of things, but none of them clarify Hyunggu’s muddled feelings._ _

__As Hyunggu trying to organize these things in his mind, Dawn draws his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them, and he looks so uncharacteristically small and remorseful that Hyunggu almost regrets his words. Almost._ _

__“Nothing has to change,” the rapper mumbles self-consciously, guilt creeping onto his face._ _

__Hyunggu shakes his head but doesn’t speak. So much has changed already, and Hyunggu’s head is a total mess with it all. He’s felt so neglected and isolated lately, too._ _

__He swallows back the lump in his throat. He’s emotionally exhausted, and every time he thinks things are looking better they suddenly get worse. He feels even more isolated now than he did yesterday. He’s gained back Wooseok and Yuto only to lose Hongseok and Hyojong in the same night, and maybe they’re not really lost to him but right now it feels that way. He relies on his eldest hyungs for so much and now every interaction he has with them is bound to be tense or awkward._ _

__Questions pile up in his mind about the future. Are they ever going to be able to go back to normal, even after debut? Will he ever be able to look at them the same? Honestly, what is he supposed to do with the knowledge that three—maybe even four of his hyungs are in love with him? How does that not change _everything_?_ _

__What does he do now when he doesn’t even know where to start when it comes to sorting out his feelings about himself and about his friends? What does he do now that he recognizes something inside himself that he didn’t fully realize was there before?_ _

__The wind picks up and gusts hard enough to send Hyojong’s hair into a frenzy, and the chill brings Hyunggu back to the present._ _

__“It feels like so much has changed already that I don’t even know where I stand. All I want is what we had before. I don’t know about any of the other stuff yet.”_ _

__“We’re friends. I’m your hyung. That’s not gonna change. Believe me,” Hyojong stresses._ _

__Of course Hyunggu wants to believe that things will work out and go back to normal, that his relationship with his hyungs won’t suffer even as their confessions remain unanswered, but it’s difficult to imagine. Still, he longs for a comfortable home life again wherein he can trust his hyungs to be there for him the way they always have been, at least before this mess._ _

__At the end of the day, they are his hyungs and he wants to have faith in them that they can separate their feelings and support him the way they usually do. He at least has to give them a chance._ _

__“I honestly don’t know how I feel yet, but... If I agree to think about my feelings, come to a decision and get back to you, then can you try to treat me normally again? I don’t want to be pushed away and I don’t want things to be awkward. I’m not mad that you have feelings, or whatever,” he blushes and ducks his head slightly, “But can you and the others put that aside for me? At least for now?”_ _

__His hyung nods vigorously, causing his bleached hair to swish in and out of his face. His borderline spastic reaction would be a lot more endearing if Hyunggu wasn’t struggling to stay awake, struggling to hold back the tears that have been constantly threatening to spill for days on end, struggling to look at Dawnie as his quirky hyung instead of someone who’s _in love with him_._ _

__“Yeah! I can. I don’t need anything more from you Hyunggu, I just wanted to tell you how I feel. In my own words. Let’s go back to normal now, please!”_ _

__Hyunggu nearly chuckles at his hyung’s eager agreement but he’s exhausted and halfway asleep, and it’s so damn cold outside. “Will you ask the others if they’re willing to do the same for me? Give me time to think without the pressure?”_ _

__“I will. We will. I promise.”_ _

__There’s a long pause, both boys staring at one another awkwardly and not knowing what to do to break the tension until a yawn overtakes Hyunggu’s features. Hyojong chuckles at him, brown eyes sparkling in the yellow light of their porch lamp, and stands._ _

__“It’s late. We should go in. Didn’t mean to keep you up this late.”_ _

__“It’s okay, Hyung. I’m kinda glad we talked. Just. Make sure you knock from now on, even if the door is cracked,” Hyunggu says stubbornly._ _

__Hyojong begins to chuckle but thinks better of it when Hyunggu raises a sharp eyebrow at him, so he chokes back his laughter and clears his throat. He waits for Hyunggu to pick up the chair he knocked over earlier before ushering him back inside and out of the cold._ _


End file.
